i just joined friends reunited before, and i was amazed to discover a bunch of my old friends from primary school from 1987......st teresa - girls that i used to make laugh in class you used to like me....way before any of my problems started , i discovered louise, helen and others......i felt so excited, heres how i was back then:
http://img137.imageshack.us/my. php?image=2007120465766wa6.jpg
thats me with my younger sister.
and me alone, at home with a book :
http://img239.imageshack.us/my.php? image=2007081902411bw5.jpg
any way since then ve had a horrifically traumatic life, back then i was 11 or 12........now im 30.
i live in a flat on my own on disability, dont own much except an old dusty computer......no carpets on the floor....no savings........never been employed or gained qualifications......because so many bad things have happed to me.
never formed any relationships in life so far, i have borderline personality disorder and ptsd...........since primary school which was ages ago , ive suffered severe bullying......missed out on any schooling......suffered head injuries in a street attack......been severeley psychologically bullied and physically bullied........lost all my self worth......never had any since what happened..
gained a mental health record obviously......been in a psychiatric hospital due to a breakdown........have a minor criminal record.....for assault 8 years ago......kicked someone..
carrying a kinfe when i lived in a rough area and was been targeted by local thugs and criminals because felt frightened.....over 7 years ago..
ive had problems with rageand anger because suffered so much severe bullying and bottled it all up
i used to have outbursts of rage in public, where id lash out....think i was being threatend.....feeling ostracised...singled out.....seeing people with happy lives......the stress , paranoia....anxiety...all used to take over me and i would erupt with rage causing myself public humiliation....and to be attacked & hurt..
all that was about 6 years ago......ive sustained injuries, are not physically perfect compared to how i looked as a kid.
have 2 missing teeth, front...bottom row....due to an accident......torn ankle ligaments...have to watch how i walk on my foot...
a little finger that droops over...and wont straited due to an injury......cracked, broken skin covering the head of my penis....waiting to hear from a dermatologist..
ive made so much progress compared to how i used to be....ive been refered for psychotherapy......and im still determined
to reach my goals in life of a ' good paid ' computer job....and to emigrate from england near the coast.
i have a lived in face now....my youth has fled me quite a bit...which i feel sad about....i have physical imperfections........survived a horrible life.........live alone.......struggle with low self worth......no social support network etc..
having nothing to offer...no work history or education......building my life virtually from scratch..
so before i join friends reunited and see my old friends who adored me back then before all my problems started.......and theres an option to send them a message on the sight to !!
i feel excited, no doubt they will remember me....but they dont no of my dark past or what ive been through.....or how i look now.....and just how little i have to offer.....
sure ive made progress and working on my life, but......would it scare and shock them to see and learn about me now ???
the though terrifies me and yet my heart would love to some how regain contact and sort of pick up from how i left off.......
but so much has happened to me...... :(
and heres how i look now....far from the young boy i once was :
http://img156.imageshack.us/my.php? image=2008080901399uf6.jpg
what should i do because my heart whats to some how make a connection again but is scared or their reaction...possible not understanding.........social awkwardness.....and that they might reject me......or see what has happened to me and distance themselves........discover my non existant self esteem etc...
what should i do ?
btw - that webcam does me justice because im bald....feel my face is haggard....have dark lines under my eyes.....sad eyes......2 missing teeth etc..
have a lived in look....my youth has gone i feel because of a stresful life
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