It's part of my "epic novel" and just a rough draft, i need opinions, what do you think???
It was the frosty night of Christmas Eve, and I was around 5 years old. I was lying in my bed, wearing my red feetie pyjamas and cradling my hot water bottle and teddy bear. Mommy and Daddy were fighting again downstairs, having another row. I didn't like it when they argued.
Since their shouting was keeping me awake, I got up, and tiptoed downstairs, skillfully avoiding the lego bricks and the squeaky floor board. I darted behind the sofa and peered out, to see what all the commotion was all about. Mommy was shouting at Daddy. She said something about him taking money from her cheating on her with another woman. I have no idea what the phrase ?cheating? meant.
Daddy got violent and told Mommy that he was leaving, before smashing a vase against a wall, littering the beige carpet with shards. I loved my Daddy and really hoped he would change his mind. Then he said a bad word and stormed into the kitchen. I thought he was just getting a snack, or had just gone in there to calm down. I glanced at Mommy. She was crying, and I wanted to see if she was okay. But then she would tell me off for being up late.
Then he came back, he had a strange look in his eyes and something behind his back. I thought it was a gift for Mommy to say sorry for being rude.
Daddy slowly revealed what he was hiding. I couldn't see it from my position, but I did see the look on Mommy's face. A look of horror. He walked up to her, waving whatever he had in his hand at her and making her shriek. It was either something very good, or very bad...
Then I saw it. Daddy had a big sharp knife! And he was going to hurt Mommy with it. I saw him plunging it into her body, again and again, until she stopped screaming and fell on the floor. The final shrill yelp will haunt me forever. Then Daddy dropped his knife and ran away out of the front door.
I bit my lip as tears streamed down my cheeks and , when I was usre that he was gone, ran over to Mommy.
Her body lay limp, sprawled across the floor with the knife embedded in her stomach and she was pale, cold, and bloody. ?You will be okay, won't you? Mommy?? ?Wake up? ?Wake up!? I howled, realising that she never would.
Can you guys possibly tell me how to improve? thanks a million x
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