I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a date but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs.
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.
You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox.
The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her up, I said "Did you get my drift?".
I went down the local supermarket, I said "I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it". He said "Those are pickled onions".
I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah, I thought "he's trying to pull a fast one".
I said to the train driver "I want to go to Paris". He said "Eurostar?". I said "I was on telly once but I'm no Dean Martin".
I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?". She said "How flexible are you?". I said "I can't make Tuesdays".
I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.
I met this gangster who pulls up the back of people's pants, it was Wedgie Kray.
I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds". I said "Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck".
But anyway I'm in great mood at the moment because the other day I entered a competition and I won a years supply of Marmite......... one jar.
So this bloke says to me, "Can I come in your house and talk about your cleaning your carpets?". I thought "That's all I need, a Je-hoover's witness".
You see my next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a catholic converter.
So I rang up British Telecom, I said "I want to report a nuisance caller", he said "Not you again".
I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov (the world chess champion) and there was a check tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt.
He said "You remind me of a pepper-pot", I said "I'll take that as a condiment".
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