I had a mate who was suicidal. He was really depressed, so I pushed him in front of a steam train.
He was chuffed to bits.
When I got divorced, my wife said she would fight for custody of the kids.
Took her out with one punch.
My grandad gave me some sound advice on his deathbed.
"It's worth spending money on good speakers," he told me.
I was walking in a cemetery this morning and seen a bloke hiding behind a gravestone. I said "morning."
He replied, "No, just having a sh*t."
Disabled toilets. Ironically, the only toilets big enough to run around in.
I met a 14 year old girl on the internet. She was clever, funny, flirty and secksy, so I suggested we meet up.
She turned out to be an undercover detective. How cool is that at her age?!
I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pickpocketed.
How could anyone stoop so low?
I just saw that Harry Potter film. A bit unrealistic if you ask me. I mean, a ginger kid, with two friends?
I was walking down the road when I saw an Afghan bloke standing on a fifth floor balcony shaking a carpet.
I shouted up to him, "What's up Abdul, won't it start?"
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