im 30 now, i have borderline personality disorder and very bad post traumatic stress disorder.
i live alone in a flat in england on disability, i own nothing save for an old computer, a few books, a few dvds....no carpets on the floor etc.
ive spent my life in utter misery so far : never been employed - never formed ' any ' relationships ever - never got any qualifications - have a criminal record.
years ago i used to have regular outbursts of rage in public, that caused me to be attacked - publically humiliated & embarressed, countlesless times i lost it....it caused me to be ostracised everywhere i went.
this was 8 years ago now, the rage comes from severe bullying and victimisation mainly growing up in life.....i used to fight with black people in school and out.....was targeted by them in gangs....bullied physically and mentally.
i still get flashbacks to that & now i hate blacks, this is why i struggle in the present with so much rage still , rage as ruined a lot of things for
in the present...i feel it give me a stigma as someone to avoid....turned people to ostracize me.....burn bridges with people.......cause people to be stand offish and aloof......social exclude and reject me.
im presentley waiting for therapy, and struggle with a hatred of blacks and still feel im being persecuted by them.
if i see them in the supermarket....on the street...on a bus.....its like their following me, watching me....controling my life.
many times in the past and present ive locked into aggressive eye contact with them that could have caused serious showdowns...........so now i avoid to look at them.
i noticed sometimes they watch and stare at me akthough sometimes i accept this ' might ' be paranoia...
but sometimes they have picked me out and i feel very angry and aggressive to them because of it
im very aloof and guarded myself through what ive been through in life - but i still feel persecuted or singled out if i see blacks.
i no of other white and hispanics who went through the same or similar experiences but never developed the problems i did.
my rage gets so bad and intense that i stay in for days because i fear being paranoid or seeing triggers if i go out.....that might lead me to pick a fight with a black person and really lose it and end up be doing some severe serious damage..
or if i see people happy enjoying themselves it rubs it in how much ive missed out...i feel jealous and angry then that can ignite me.
ive held it together very well so far, and are pursuing therapy.....my big ambition is to emigrate from the uk with a good paying job....but i get depressed wondering how at my disadvantages i will achieve this.
can anyone tell me - are these persecutory feelings related to ptsd symptoms ?
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