its something i tried to work hard on for years without therapy, i know what causes it : seeing people happy living there lives, feeling jelous.....feeling paranoid im being alienated by people....aloof behaviour towards me from others............repressed anger from in the past when i was severley bullied...
heres what happened yesterday :
iam probablly to stigmatised to ever achieve my dreams, that fact that people are aloof, stand offish everywhere i go ?
just to fill you in, heres the background of my life & what ive been through so far :
ive live all my life in pure misery, suffered catalogue and catalogue of bad events and trauma.....severe bullying and abuse over a long time....physical attacks......head injuries......time in a psychiatric hospital because of a breakdown........and i said thing to psychiatrist that sounded bad to scare them so i would get help.......so they sent me to a psyche hospital......i spent 18 months in there.
suffered bad epidodes of rage attacks in public due to pent up anger all the years i was bullied.....id lash out.......lose it in public.....cause myself public embarressment and humiliation......get attacked off strangers.....get laughed at......back then virtuakky everyone in society was ostracising me and rejecting me......i think because of my behaviour..
im 30 years old now.....and live alone in a one bedroom flat on disability......i dont have much....except an old computer......no carpets on floor etc.
throughout my life ive always suffered ' extreme ' low self worth i think because of what i went through.......i get to clingy...to attached to obsessive with people.....and coupled with my mood swings its always caused me to be rejected...........im very self absorbed...very inward looking.....get very angry if someone rejects me and take out bad moods on them or feel the urge to slag them off verbally if they reject me..
because of this, ive never built up any relationships at all.......i deeply fear rejection....so im scared to try to talk to people..
i have nothing and no one.....i get deeply lonely at night......i feel very insecure about my future.......i feel i have nothing to offer anyone.
i have no qualifications....never studied...missed out on schooling, because of bullying.
never been employed..
i have an injured ankle....torn ankle ligaments......waiting to hear about treatment....have to watch how i walk..
have a crooked little finger due to an injury years ago......2 missing teeth at the front because of an accident...bottom row.
the only positive thing is that im waiting for psychotherapy, right now.
alot of people are still aloof, abrupt, stand offish towards me........like im being socially excluded almost.
i feel because of my past that im labelled and theres a stigma that follows me around.....although i cant proove it.
i dont no how to deal with people who are aloof, abrupt and condescending and rejecting of me.....accept to feel aggressive towards them....but i control it.
i spend each and every day isolated and lonely, i stay in all the time due to ptsd and bad anxiety...also because of intense rage feelings.
i was diagnosed with BPD and ptsd before xmas.
i have no one except my aging ill mother......who cant do much for me no more....and a good internet friend ive known for 2 years in americas whos been very good to me....i can tell her anything and she always tries to help...and has never judged or rejected me.
my only goals in life once im ok, is to leave the united kingdom for good, emigrate with a ok paying job to somewhere quiet and coastal.
before i decided to get my bike outside to get some excercise, i havent excercised in a while and needed the excercise...
instead of spending all my time cooped up in my flat.......plus im slightly overweight and need to get fit, for my own health.
whilst out on my bike....my anger and rage started to work up again......like letting my anger out on riding the bike......visablly getting agressive eyeballing people on the street.......as if to say ' me against the world type mind frame '
you wont break me......clenching my teeth....riding my bike erratically and mad like a demon possessed man......clenching my teeth tight.........my anger working up whilst im riding the bike......glaring at people riding my bike fast.....teeth clenched.
i regretablly rode my bike in the way of a group of goth teenagers on the sidewalk, who stepped aside and shouted '' pull your pants up we dont want to see your horrible backside '''............my pants must of slipped down whilst riding.
i shouted back ' fk you !! '......and continued riding.
i feel bad because i let myself down with this rage i work hard to control and have been controlling for years......the reason why i never go out....besides extreme anxiety.
that regretablly is what i used to do years back when i used to have rage out bursts in public....lose control of my conduct.....lash out.....a lot worse back then...........but only more severe years ago..
ive been very lucky and because of rage attacks caused myself public embarressment years ago......id get attacked ...be laughed at....pubically ridiculled......i got socially ostracised everywhere i went........cautioned by the police because of my outbursts........... it was a nightmare to remember years ago........the rage comes from bottled up anger when i was severeley bullied throughout my life
ve done well for years.......im waiting for psychotherapy......then before i decide to go outside to ride my bike....try get some excercise.......then this happens.....my anger comes out again.
how can i handle i let myself down , when ive been doing really well for years ?
and i feel ruined in society like my character is ruined and im known as somebody to stay away from and avoid.
i feel really bad thatr i had this set back with rage....i work really hard to try to control it..
ive not gone outside today because of yesterday
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