im 30 - live alone in a small flat- ive never built up any relationships or support network ever in my life - i own no possessions except an old computer and a few books..
i sleep in an old matress on the floor, dont even have carpets on my floor.
i feel directionless, hopeless and feel unable to get myself out of my predicament.
im waiting for therapy because i have chronic ptsd and borderline personality disorder..
i have low self esteem and act clingy, desperate, struggle for things to say, so i even struggle to make friends on the internet in the present - i cant even reach out to people when they reach out to me - its like i feel to bad about myself, unworthy think their too good for me and deeply fear rejection.
im really worried because im at clear disadvantages in life - ive never worked or gained qualifications - have a minor criminal record going back 8 years ago.
i have physical worries im waiting to be investigated......torn ankle ligaments that need to be operated on.......i cant walk on it properley.
i have physical health problems im waiting to be investigated that are causing me a lot of worry and anxiety : frequent urination - cracking skin covering the head of my penis, ive been refered to a dermatologist.
aching, weak joint and limbs, im 6ft and over weight, trying to diet presentley.
i battle with rage feelings - paranoia that everyone is against me and are plotting to ruin my life - high levels of panic and anxiety.
years ago i used to have rage outbursts and i caused myself to be physically attacked and publically humiliated many times, laughed at & pointed at.
i dont have outburst anymore and have improved greatly with my rage- when i go out though, theres a vibe in the air, people have been aloof and stand-offish for a while now, but ive tried to ignore it....because of this im getting the impression alot of people dont like me..
i feel singled out, ostracized, picked on.
ive had a terrible life so far and feel doomed can anyone help ?
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